Realization
by Maison-Rosae
Summary: Kai sits in a restuarant alone eating lunch when he suddenly looses his breath and is over whelmed by a new emotion...will he realise what it is in time?


Realization

A/N: This was written one day after a very long shift at Macca's. why do I get my best ideas there? anyway.

Kai clutched at his chest with one hand as he took tight shallow breaths. He was shaking uncontrollably.

"I-I don't understand this feeling" he murmured.

He felt trapped, enclosed…his heart was racing… he had to get out of the restaurant where he sat alone. Kai stood up unsteadily and rushed out of the door knocking over his chair and drink, he heard the smash of the glass on the floras he came outside. Kai paused briefly then started running, he wasn't sure where he was going all Kai knew was he had to get rid of this feeling.

'this is insane' he thought but didn't stop running. He'd never felt this before, for the first time he was unable to control his emotions. Kai stopped near a park and forced himself to sit down trying to regain his temperament. Kai could feel his face allowing his emotions to surface and forced it back to the scowl he usually wore. Kai tried in vain to steady his shaky breathing but it only ended up with him breaking into a cold sweat.

'This isn't right!' Kai thought still unable to breathe properly. Yet through all of this the only thing Kai could think about was Tyson. Just thinking about him made Kai feel a little more relaxed and somehow so much worse. Kai needed to be close to him. He felt totally helpless, lost with out him.

Kai now realized he'd changed. He'd come to rely on Tyson, he was no longer that solid rock he'd be taught to become at the Abby. No, he'd been softened by his teammates…no, not teammates…friends…he didn't want to be alone anymore. Kai wanted to be around them…around Max's intoxicating laugh, Kenny's excited grin, the sly and cheeky glint in Rei's eyes, but most of all Tyson and his unconditional acceptance.

It had been so easy at first, to push away those who cared the most. Time after time they would tempt hi with a Laugh or a smile, but every time he'd managed to do it, until now. Why? Why now and here at a seemingly random place and time. Why now did he have this sudden feeling of dependency.

Kai now realized the whole time he'd been fidgeting. Him…Kai…had been…fidgeting! His eyes grew as he starred down at his hands. Suddenly he punched the concrete below hi hard. Hard enough to break the skin. Kai tried to hide his feelings with the pain. H wanted so much to go but even more he wanted to stay, not to get attached.

It had always been Kai's belief that it would be better for them all that way. Kai had never wanted to complicate his team and sport with his personal life-his past had been too much for him, he'd never expect them to comprehend. But somehow it all seemed so much simpler now.

Tears started to form in his eyes as he Kai felt the mask melting away again, it was quickly restored again as his mind delved into darker thoughts. The feeling in the pit of his stomach, it felt the same as when he was a child and one of his friends lost a match. That feeling that something worse was just around the corner, that something was in dire strife and he couldn't stop it. What if that something was 'them'? What if something had happened to them? He wouldn't be there to help! Now, just as he realized how stupid he'd been, then they would never know…

Kai pushed himself up with his bloodied hand and ran as fast as he could. Kai needed to be with them. It hurt to be away from them. Hurt more then anything he'd ever endured. He turned into Tyson's street, he could see the house. Kai reached the entrance and ran through the gates. So close, he was so close. Almost frantic Kai crashed through the door to see his four friends. They were fine. Of course they were. In the same place he'd left them, playing cards happily on the floor. A quick smile flashed across his face but was quickly disapated as the four boys stood and came over to him all looking concerned.

"Kai?" Rei asked worriedly.

"what cha doing here?" asked Max

Kai froze. What was he doing here? He wasn't sure what to say. He just wanted to hug them all and tell them he'd missed them…but…

"oh my!" Kenny broke the momentary silence "Kai your hand…and you look…" his eyes grew "what happened?"

Kai was brought back to reality. Suddenly conscious of how he looked, although his breathing seemed to be steadying and his shake easing.

"I was…training" Kai panted

Tyson raised his eyebrows "then what are you doing here? I thought you-" Tyson crossed his arms scowled and put on his 'angry Kai' voice. "Didn't want or need to stay and play games with brats like you"

Kai had to stop himself from laughing. He starred in disbelief that he'd been the one to do that only hours ago.

"I-I was training and…I knew you wouldn't be" Kai was serious "besides who know what trouble you lot would get into with out me around" he gave another fleeting smile. Then they did it…Max laughed, Kenny grinned, Rei's eyes flashed with cheek and Tyson, Tyson put his hand on Kai's shoulder in the most accepting way he could. Kai felt his heart and soul melt just a little bit.

"awww Kai, c'mon can't we have just a little break, we can train this afternoon."

Kai raised his eyes brows and sighed "well, I suppose one or two games wont hurt, w could train after lunch"

Everyone cheered. "well Kai, seeing as your staying, do ya wanna join in our game?" Tyson asked

Kai froze again, before pushing Tyson away "I don't think so…" he said solemnly

"I don't play games with brats" everyone chorused with him as he went and sat in the corner.

"yeah-yeah should've known" Rei smiled

"that's our Kai!" Max added

Tyson just laughed and they continued there game.

Kai watched from his corner. As he bandaged up his bloodied hand he smiled. Kai smiled out from his corner not glared. He smiled at his friends playing.

Ok, so he wasn't ready to openly admit all of his darkest fears and insecurities just yet and maybe he wasn't quite ready for them to see him laugh…or cry…but he would someday. He'd already made it this far. They'd seen him smile. Maybe tomorrow he'd even join in there game if only for a few minutes. And even though he still didn't fully understand the feeling that had come over him he knew he would get there…with them…one day.

A/N: I don't know if any of you have experienced an anxiety attack…I tried to describe it as best I could in the fic…they really suck…you feel like ya just wanna be with the person and ya get worried something's wrong with them…but anyway that's what Kai is having. I get these sometimes coz I'm a twin and if I don't see her much I get all freaked out lol! Oh and the love in this is totally just friendship. Back to the point tell me what ya think ta!


End file.
